只願生命如山海
May life be as vast as the mountains and seas.

把它送給妳了，擺渡無痕的人。
妳問我山與海，對於我代表什麼？我說：山，代表茁實的身體；海，代表了心胸的遼闊；這燈塔提供不同視野、方向感；而不是掌控舵的去向… 妳解釋：人，這個字，形狀就是像座山；在拉丁文的人字也意同於山…人與土壤有著連結性。雖然沒辦法很透徹理解，卻稍稍可以體悟這個抽象概念；畢竟土壤孕育著生命起始…對吧？
妳說妳看見的我，像只風箏；飛得高高的，對很多事情淡淡然，彷彿覺得這世界與自己沒有太多連結…但，風箏為什麼會高飛？我說除了風，還有一雙拉扯的手… 妳補充了”那一條線” 是沒被我看見的。我笑了，有疑惑也有反思；可是我沒有繼續探討，直覺是時機吧？也剛好話鋒轉，我分享了2024年的總結：我對那個過去的自己是滿意的。雖有大半年有著起落的內在狀態，但放眼望去，我計畫的、我承諾的、該盡的努力、該珍惜鞏固的，做足了而且一個不少… 但我也由衷告訴妳，如果真的要說新期許，那就是想擺脫外在的成就感來達到滿意度的困境吧，我有些累…
妳接續：不想因為別人的期許而奮力，不想因為外在成就而滿意；但換句話說，能達標已經是一種能力；而能力將它變成另一種輔助吧～我想妳要表達的是：不容易的事達成了是一種能力肯定，何不轉換視為內在穩固的養份。
每每討論，都會有新的視角去看待別人和自己；當承認能力與期許落差以及時間量已造成我巨大的焦慮時，其實同時對別人也是無聲無息的逼迫感，這樣真的有實質意義嗎？我認真問自己。
 
 

I’m giving this to you, the one who ferries souls without leaving a trace.

You asked me what the mountains and the sea represent to me. I said: the mountains represent a robust body; the sea represents the vastness of the mind. This lighthouse provides different perspectives and a sense of direction, rather than controlling where the helm turns… You explained: the shape of the character for “human” (人) looks like a mountain; in Latin, the word for human also shares a meaning with mountain… humans have a connection with the soil. Though I can’t grasp it perfectly, I can slightly realize this abstract concept; after all, soil nurtures the beginning of life… right?

You said the “me” you see is like a kite; flying high, appearing indifferent to many things, as if feeling this world has little connection to myself… But why does a kite fly high? I said besides the wind, there is a pair of hands pulling… You added that “the string” is what I haven’t seen. I smiled, feeling both doubt and reflection; but I didn’t continue the discussion—my intuition told me it wasn’t the time. Just then, the conversation shifted, and I shared my summary of 2024: I am satisfied with that past version of myself. Despite having ups and downs in my internal state for more than half the year, looking back, everything I planned, promised, the efforts I should have made, and the things I should have cherished and strengthened—I did them all, leaving nothing out… But I also told you sincerely, if I truly had a new wish, it would be to break free from the dilemma of needing external achievements to feel satisfied. I’m a bit tired…

You continued: You don’t want to strive because of others’ expectations, nor do you want to find satisfaction through external achievements; but in other words, being able to reach those goals is already a capability—so turn that capability into a different kind of support. I think what you meant was: achieving something difficult is a confirmation of ability, so why not transform that and view it as nourishment for inner stability?

Every discussion brings a new perspective on others and myself. When I admit that the gap between my abilities and expectations, along with the sheer volume of time spent, has caused me immense anxiety, I realize it also creates a silent sense of pressure for others. Is there truly any real meaning in that? I ask myself seriously.